Dealing with Social Anxiety

Even though we’re in a ridiculously connected digital world, there are plenty of us with social anxiety, a term I wasn’t familiar with a few years ago.

I’ve taken plenty of personality tests for work and personal interest, and on a scale of 1 to 10, I rate a 9 for introvert. No shocker there, I knew that part decades ago. The social anxiety is a bit new, at least in terms of understanding. It’s something I, and others, attributed to being shy. And while I am shy and reserved, it’s not quite the same.

Speaking of not quite the same, social anxiety and antisocial are NOT the same.

• Social anxiety – causes fear and anxiety when you’re around people in social situations.
• Antisocial – A long-term pattern of disregard of, or violation of, the rights of others. The rules of society do not apply.

I’m impressed at how many people admit or acknowledge their anxiety. It wasn’t addressed a few years ago. Equally, I’m impressed with a few of my previous managers who’ve noted it as a trait within me and used it to acknowledge my support role.

It’s not, you’re a loner and refuse to participate, it’s, you’re self-motivated, and don’t need a lot of supervision or management. You are reliable and independent. If I ask you to do work on something, I know it’s going to be done.

A company I worked with 10 years ago opened my eyes to how I worked, and how they embraced it.

We did a pretty comprehensive “self-assessment” which translated to Strengths and Weaknesses, with an emphasis of turning traits into strengths.

My managers learned I wouldn’t be the first one to speak up in a meeting. I won’t interject my ideas into a large group of people. If they wanted to hear from me, they would need to ask me privately and directly. I wasn’t going to knock on their door and say, “Here are my ideas on X.” I don’t work that way. I had ideas, but they needed to ask about them.

They also learned I was capable of getting large amounts of work done without the need for constant supervision. Micromanaging would torpedo my efforts and I would more than likely give up on whatever I was working on. If I needed help, I would ask. Not saying anything actually meant I was working on it and making progress.

In a few days, some times a few hours, I would get their attention and say, “Is this what you’re looking for?” In some cases I was already done, in others I was asking for feedback and confirming the direction I was going. It became a very beneficial and productive relationship.

I ended up leaving because that company was bought out, and the new managers had no clue how to handle people.

To get back to the social anxiety, I’m not a big fan of crowds, and by crowd, I mean more than 4 people. When I’m in a group, I want to talk and listen to people, that doesn’t happen within a large group. I don’t feel engaged so it’s gets tedious and frustrating. Company events are terrible for me, and I no longer attend. I used to, and I hated it.

Needless change also gives me anxiety thus I’m not a fan of jumping into completely new situations, at least not without a plan, or firm understanding as to why. Change for the sake of change is annoying, and is something a cancer cell does. I’m fine with change for the better, but I need to see or hear how something is going to be better, not just different.

I’m tired of having managers or CEOs swoop in and make changes to process and teams in order to make a name for themselves or establish they’re in charge. This “new sheriff” mentality is stupid and pisses me off. Explain why you want to make these changes and why they’re beneficial and you’ll have my support.

My dislike of change and anxiety toward new people and situations has made me stay at jobs and put up with terrible people far longer than I should have. After the company buyout I mentioned, I didn’t like where I was, but the idea of doing interviews and meeting dozens of people, even virtually, wasn’t a pleasant thought. But, I had to reason with and push myself.

Interview make me uncomfortable, but I tried a couple of simple tactics to get myself through it.

I wrote down a series of notes and phrases on my computer screen acknowledging my feelings and that they were normal and expected. It was a way to let my present self know that future self knew this would happen.

It was simple phrases like:

I don’t know them today, but I will know more about them tomorrow.
I’m not good at this job today, but I will be better at it tomorrow.
We’re in the same boat, they don’t know me either.
*It’s okay to be nervous, you’ll be comfortable in about 10 minutes from now.
Don’t worry, if this interview is shit, it’ll be over soon and you’ll never see them again.

I would read this over while talking and listening and it made a tremendous difference. I’d acknowledged by my fears and when they came up, it immediately felt lessened.

With that, I always feel the need to over prepare for situations I’m not comfortable with. When going somewhere new, I usually show up a couple hours early. This gives me time to compensate for mistakes, and to relax and get comfortable within someone and someplace new. It’s my coping mechanism, I understand it, and lean into it. I also keep telling myself, “They invited me here, so there must be something in it.”

I’ve tried to “overcome” anxiety by forcing myself into situations. I’ll go to this company event, I’ll go to this big social event, I’ll go to this party.

All it did was make me miserable. I would get frustrated with the situation, then frustrated at myself over my frustration, and it created a spiral. There would be a huge, “What the F#$% am I doing this for?”

And then I started listening to that voice.

I’m happy to admit to my manager I’m not comfortable with certain situations or activities, especially with all this Covid nonsense going on. I’m on a team of 5 people, which I’m quite comfortable with, but there are company events I don’t attend. Last year, the company had Thanksgiving and Xmas lunches. Even without Covid, I would’t attend. That’s too much for me and I understand that. I would be miserable, so it’s a pass.

I’m not going to feel embarrassed or ashamed over it either. I won’t fall into the mindset of, well, other people can do this, why can’t I? What’s wrong with me?

There is nothing wrong, it’s not something I enjoy. It’s not a fault, it’s a characteristic.

If I don’t like a certain type of game, like First Person Shooters, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong with me.

If I don’t like a certain type of pie, that doesn’t mean there is something wrong.

The anxiety I feel is no different. Other people may not experience it, and that’s fine.

There is nothing wrong with skipping over a company lunch with a group of 30-40 people if it doesn’t make me comfortable.

There is nothing wrong with focusing on my work and bringing up ideas to a single person rather than the whole team. Blurting out random crap during a meeting isn’t my style, and that’s fine.

There is nothing wrong with being comfortable in my happy solitude.

My social anxiety goes along with shyness, but I won’t add the disorder part, since I don’t feel it negatively impacts my life or career. I can deal with many obstacles given enough time to prepare.

I understand my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve learned to adapt and create strategies. I’m honest with myself and my managers over what I’m comfortable with. If that’s going to be an issue, then it’s the job and environment that needs to change, not me.