Satanism and mortality

When I was young, I was made of rubber and magic and could bounce back from anything. There was always tomorrow and another chance for something cool and fun.

In those same early days, my idea of mortality and the afterlife reflected the Egyptian idea. They didn’t have a fear of death. They loaded up their loved ones with gifts and tokens for their “journey,” like there was more to come. Not just looking down or watching over, but they had stuff to do, another life to lead, places to go, things to see. I was on board with that.

With that, I don’t recall a heaven or hell, there was simply an afterlife. You went there, and those you left behind carved in stone your great deeds and accomplishments.

Their afterlife wasn’t scary, it was simply the next phase of living.

Then the religious zealots stepped in with their fire and brimstone. You needed to live a meager and chaste life or else damnation was on the other side. Their idea of death is loaded with Dante horrors. Interesting story, total fiction.

Do this, act this way, condemn all these things, deny yourself, and you might get in on this action called heaven. Otherwise, into the fiery pits with you. One false move and it was all over. That was an absolutely horrible deal, any excuse to say, “No.”

Then, with disregard to their earlier rants, religious types would offer comfort by saying, “They’re better off, they’re with God now,” as though that placates a shattered heart.

I’ve never heard a grieving parent say, “Excellent, my child is in heaven now. So much better than being with me and all the bullshit going on down here. Good for them.” No, they don’t give a shit about God, they want their child back.

Nor has any partner said, “You know, I’m totally content with being alone now. My spouse gets to hang out with Sky Daddy, which is so much better than anything I have to offer.”

In my world of reality, there is no such thing as heaven or hell. There is no afterlife. There is no looking down over loved ones.

I’d love for the afterlife to be real. If Halloween and Day of the Dead were real, and for one day a year I could give my dad a hug and tell him I love him and how much I appreciated the time we had together, or be able to pet, play with, and share snacks with the dog I recently lost, that would be the greatest day of the year.

Sadly, that isn’t how it works, and mortality is a real thought these days. It’s something that’s come up a couple of times in my past, not specifically to me, but in regards to a couple of close friends.

My first brush with mortality came when I lost a friend I worked with. I was either at the end of my 20s or just settling in to my 30s.

She passed away from a freak infection. She was literally at work on Friday, went on a work related trip and never came back. The news was delivered to us out of the blue, and it stopped me in my tracks.

She was either my same age, or maybe a couple years older. That sort of thing just didn’t happen to people our age. We had decades of life left. Or so I fooled myself into thinking. It was a harsh reality to face. Further, she was from another country, so she was immediately transported away. There was no funeral, or service, or closure. It was sort of like she never existed, which really threw me off.

While at the same company, I had another friend pass away just as suddenly. He was maybe 10 years older, but it played out the same way. Out of nowhere came a notice of his passing and time of the funeral.

He was older, but still young. It was a big WTF moment.

The real heavy blow came when I was in my mid 30s and I got a call in the middle of the night that my father passed away. There had been a car accident, and that was that, he was gone.

I had to fly out of the country for the funeral, and it was a horrible experience. Not the flights, or the service itself, but the behavior of my family. They wailed and moaned at their misfortune. Why did this have to happen to them? They were upset atr their own suffering.

It absolutely pissed me off. They were still alive. They would see tomorrow. They still had days ahead to enjoy life, see friends, and find fullfillment. I felt it was such a selfish and self-centered attitude. Being dead is worse than still being around, even if you are grieving.

And then I got an earful because I wasn’t wailing and crying along with them. I chose to look at the gifts I’d been given. I’d had wonderful years with my dad. I have nothing but fond memories of all the things we did together as I was growing up. I relived all those enjoyable moments.

Sure, I was sad. I was disappointed over all the things that would never be. I would miss him, but, he lived a life, and I got to be part of it. I was happy with what I had been given more than I was sad about what unknown things weren’t going to happen.

“Tis better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.”

That was a damaged funeral on many levels.

And of course there was my little dog. Another reminder that time is finite, and at some point, we all have to take our bow and leave the stage.

We can always make more money, or have more friends, or buy more things, but we can never get more time. It’s always running out, and that’s more obvious now than it’s ever been.

It’s unfortunate we only get one try at this life. It’s such a cliche, but it’s so true, I wish I had known then what I know now. Just when I’m getting my life sorted out, learning how to handle people and situations, just as I’m enjoying the fruits of my labor, and spending time with that special someone, time starts running out. All the things I would do differently with more knowledge, experience, and mature mind. Bit of a disappointment really.

But, that is the reality. We only get so much time. There is no Silver City, or Great Reward after we’re done here. Those are euphemisms in a brochure.

I have never lived my life under the carrot of some great reward in heaven. Or the equal torment and punishment of hell. The idea of living a pious life now with the hopes of living a fullfilling one later is a farce.

I’m going to be fullfilled now. I will live deliberately and deliciously now, because there is no after. I won’t live in denial, that serves no purpose. I will have experiences, I will indulge, I will savor. I’m not going to waste my time on unworthy people, jobs, or events. I will spend time with people that make me happy. I will do things that bring me joy. I will indulge in those “sins” and not feel guilty about it. That’s where the fun is.

I’m not going to suffer and be miserable. I won’t go through some “test of faith,” because I don’t have such a thing.

The reality is, we only get to leave behind the memories we instill in others. We only get to enjoy the life we lead today. We don’t get a do over in the next life. Nor do we get to ride around on clouds, sit around in ideal splendor and look down on everyone we leave behind. Equally, we don’t get to have some big reunion when they pass.

In fact, that last one seems like it’s own kind of hell. To be able to see everyone you love and care for, going on without you, living their lives, and you can never have contact with them. What kind of shit is that?

This is our life. This is what we get. We need to make the most of it, and leave behind something we can be proud of. At the very least, leave behind memories that others smile.